REJECTION IS YOUR CHANCE OF THRIVING

A hard truth: rejection, if you do the work, is your chance of thriving.

Let’s face it, no one likes to be rejected.

It stings and it hurts due to all the uncomfortable questions this experience can trigger:

Why? Where do I lack? Am I not good enough?

And mimimi.

No one goes through a rejection untouched.

After being rejected, most people throw themselves into the fumes of anaesthesia just  to numb out the pain that a rejection causes:

They jump very quickly into another love story.

They hide into alcohol and drugs.

They engage in meaningless sex.

By doing so, they miss a big chance.

If, instead of collapsing under the weight of self pity and misery, if you manage to go through the pain instead of trying desperately to avoid it, you will see that behind a rejection there is a pool of possibilities that will help you grow fiercer.

Why?

Because the self love you need to develop and foster in order to feel better, without external help, will heal many more facets of your life and personality and not just that tiny little insignificant event that saw you rejected.

How?

By agreeing with what you are feeling and then asking yourself where the pain really comes from.

Let’s make an example:

You wanted that job. Badly. You prepared your speech and dreamt about it and the interview is tomorrow and oh my God am I nervous.

But they end up not selecting you, instead, someone else gets in.

Damn.

Chances are you go home feeling miserable.

Why is this happening to me? I thought I was good enough as to deserve it! I am a failure. Mimimi.

And finally, a good question too: what do they have that I don’t have?

And see, here is the key on how to transform a negative experience into a chance for inner evolution and thriving.

Instead of victimizing yourself, be honest with yourself.

Where can you improve? What new skills can you learn from your competitor that you don’t yet have? Could you take a course that will make you more suited for the task next time?

And also, maybe going even deeper: Is that job, at the end, really the right one for you?

Because, if you want it or not, universe does have a plan. And even shit has a duty: to liberate the channel to allow more space.

And now let’s dig into one extra level.

Here I abandon the realm of theory and go into my personal sphere.

Let’s talk about a rejection from a person we like or love.

Some months ago and for the first time since a while, I really fell for someone.

He embodied all what I look for in a partner: he was a poet, funny, beautiful, entertaining, talented, dedicated. We had a very deep connection and bonded from the first moment we met.

Just, he did not want me in any sexual or romantic way.

At all.

This guy told me:

You are too much for me! Too intense, too masculine!

I used to be very insecure about myself when it came to my beauty and personality as a female.

The first days after his declaration I was crashed.

I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror and so many old wounds from my past resurfaced.

It was beyond overwhelming (those were the same words my father used to tell me when I was a kid, together with ‘who will ever marry a fat ungracerful girl?’).

I started questioning myself on such a deep level that I felt like I was going mental:

No one likes me. I’m ugly. I’ll die alone. Why are my friends so much prettier than me?

Mi. Mi. Mi. Mi!

Over the last years I became very picky with my taste in men.

Thanks God and Jesus and all the Deities.

Usually, after being stung in my pride to such extents, I would go out and drag any specimen back to my bed just to amend my suffering.

This time, this was no option for me.

So I went in instead.

I made this process where I began observing my inner dialogue first of all, the things I gave attention to when it came to my body and face. And I found out that what that guy told me was exactly the same poison that I was giving myself for many years.

I was rejecting myself cause that was the program my father gifted me during childhood.

I then started changing my inner dialogue when in front of the mirror:

Looking at my messy hair instead of going ‘I wish I had a long braid like a mermaid’ I would switch to: ‘My hair is growing, and look how healthy it looks with these curls’.

I would look at my arms and instead of thinking ‘how big and unattractive are they my god!’ I would say: ‘Handstand babies!’.

I would make fun of myself too: I would put on a lot of make up, dress with some absolutely unfit sexy clothes that most woman would wear to look great but that made me feel like a bonbon, while talking to myself with the high pitched voice of a crystal jar, to then laugh at myself.

Omg I feel so much better in trainers and t-shirt, it’s so much more me and that’s how I feel confident.

Great understanding!

Cause you know, when you feel good, you also look good!

Of course, this didn’t happen over night.

It was an effort to keep catching myself with my bad words, and then struggling to shift them into something positive.

It took training till I eventually succeeded in creating new affirmations.

The hardest part was to go through the words of that guy and dismantle them from my system.

‘You are too much’.

Let’s analyze this.

What did he mean? Too much what?

Too strong willed? Yes, I am.

Too independent? That too.

Too bland? Exactly.

Too intense: that was a hard one to swallow but yes, eventually, I had to smile and admit to myself, I am in fact an intense person full of humor and wild as fuck.

Too masculine: another hard one to digest, but again, for how long can I run away from what I am by nature? How long will I have to keep longing to be a little sensitive elegant margarita when in fact nature gave me the trunk and force of an oak?

And also: should we reframe the concepts of male and female, why does a woman have to be fragile to be considered feminine? What about the female lions that hunt and fight and gather and provide while the mail counterpart looks at his nails and chills in the Savana’s sun?

For fuck’s sake.

Am I too much? Why?

Cause I take life in my hands and am not afraid to speak my truths?

Cause I know what I want and I know how to get it?

Cause I don’t take shit from anyone and will always chose adventure and experience over a relationship?

Yes, that’s why.

But these, sorry to say, are qualities, not flaws.

And so, dear boy, I also wish to have a man next to me that is not scared of my ‘much’, someone that instead feels inspired by it and maybe has something to offer to add to the magic instead of dismissing it because of his own insecurities.

This brought me to make peace with a big thing I was failing to assimilate:

As women grow older they become less attractive for the eyes of a certain type of men.

It is a fact.

But it has very much less to do with beauty than it has with personality and the fears the overage men are drowning into.

Young women are more naive, easily deceived, always impressed by big deeds.

After experiencing what works and what not, most of us take off the pink glasses, they start questioning the words behind big stories, huge egos become less and less fascinating.

Bad ass women also manage to accomplish their own set of incredible adventures so they grow less susceptible to other’s grandiosity.

This is a huge turn off for way too many men.

The average men want to hunt and conquer, they don’t want to be led.

They want to be put on a pedestal and worshipped. They want a woman that lives for them and for them only. They are competitive. And so, why to lay with a rival when they could just catch a little bird that just sings for them in awe, pumping up their chest?

They are so utterly insecure that the idea of having a confident woman next to them makes them shit their pants.

Do you really want a human like that next to you?

Someone that wants to see you small and shrunk?

No darling.

You want a warrior, someone as strong and as wild as you are.

You want someone that chooses you exactly because of the way you are and not someone you have to convince of your expertise.

Trust me. That is real love, the love that is pure cause it’s not used to sooth wounds but that instead rises in harmony to make this world a better place.

Co-creation from a common stand point.

Then, also, we all have taste.

What to do.

Sometimes a rejection is not even about you as much as it is about them not being ready, not knowing what’s good, not wanting to risk their freedom.

Or simply cause they don’t feel the chemistry.

You must accept that not every flower fits a specific vase.

But that, again, is not your problem.

Some people have kinks you can’t possible satisfy.

Be at peace with it and move on!

Take what there is to take, if you get rejected pause for a second and ask yourself what is there that can be learnt?

Why does it sting so much?

From where does this pain really come from?

Is it just this, from this exact little moment of existence, or is self acceptance the real mile stone you should reach?

Cause once you love yourself deeply, it will be easier to let go quicker.

Once you love yourself, your dignity will prevent you from running after some dude that can’t see the magic that is right in front of his eyes. You will not only think, you will know that it is his loss.

You will focus much more on the positive aspects of your life, the attention drawn on the abundance you already have, the same you can tune in when some little obstacles appear and you need new inspiration or self-validation.

Once you love yourself you will remove doubtful connections with confused and unclear people and you will learn to chose yourself, aware that what is meant for you, will flow smoothly in your arms, without the need for you to fight for it.

‘Buy yourself the fucking flowers!’ is a great book on this topic.

With all the love,

The Alchemy of Fire